cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
