just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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