There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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