I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
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It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
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I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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