he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My feet surprised me
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