I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Porn is love you can see.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
