The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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