I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
