Someone shit on the floor
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
