i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
