I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
