Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
