I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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