I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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