I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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