i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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