my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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