I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
