dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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