New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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