can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
