I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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