Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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