Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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