Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
