Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
