You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
