the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
