Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
