My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
