I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
