I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
