I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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