I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
