the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
