i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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