if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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