someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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