i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
there is glitter all over my balls
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
