I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We have so much sex to catch up on
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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