OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
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i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
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he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
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