i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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