I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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