Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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