Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
