You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
