I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
