at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
