i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
