i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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