DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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