I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize